Are you happy?

[Neon Ignition]

Whilst we can only go off what you've told us it does sound like a (without trying to set you up for disappointment later) salvageable situation hopefully.

Whilst there are all the things you've been dealing with going on in your life and with your family, you've just started a new job having just bought and moved into a new house. These are very stressful things to do as much as they can be joyful too and the timing of reaching a breaking point for her may not be just a coincidence. Assuming she was genuine in saying she wanted to stick it out she may have just hit a limit with all these other temporary factors on top. If that's the case then a bit of time to let things settle, sort yourselves out and clear your minds may find you both having a frank but fruitful conversation that can start you on the path to getting back on track.

Me and the missus had our first kid, moved into a new home, got new furniture, new car etc a few years back in a short window which are in themselves nice things but the stress of moving and the debt it incurred etc pushed our tempers to the absolute limit and we were absolutely miserable for a while till things settled.

It's good you're re-establishing your family connections and reflecting on things whilst you have this time, you have your new job and home in place so when you both talk and if she begins to move towards coming back home to you, you'll be a in a much better place to change your focus to her safe in the knowledge that whilst you may feel bad for trying to provide for her, you will be able to put your focus into the relationship having also not lost what you'd worked hard for too.

[Dogg Thang]

Yep, SF is right. And again, you're doing all the right things as hard as it is. You have a doctor's appointment today. You talked to people last night even though you were reluctant. You're going about this all the right way and last night is one night down and it's in the past and some of the hard nights and weekends you have coming up will soon be in the past too but, all the while, you're working for a better future. For you and for those in your life, and that's really the order it has to happen in. You focus on getting yourself better and stronger (even while knowing what your target is, this process is about you) and then build outwards from there.

Work is going to be hard. A lot of things are going to be hard. But then last night was hard and you spoke to people and you got through it. With work and external stuff, I don't know what a professional will tell you but I'm going to give you my own advice from experience: just try to fake it as best you can and do JUST enough that people think you're doing okay. You are not going to excel at everything during this time. That's okay. Let some stuff go that you probably wouldn't have let go before and just play the role during the day. The end goal with stuff like that is just getting through it without much drama - your real focus, your real work in a way, is getting yourself better so that you can come back to all these things later and give them 100%. Don't expect 100% now.

It's a day at a time thing right now but if each step is in the right direction (and so far, it absolutely is) then you will soon be looking back on this as a very dark time that you're so happy to have left behind now that you and your life is better. It does get better and it will get better. So keep on that journey. Good luck with the doctor today.

[MrKirov]

I spoke to my manager at work, she was actually really impressed with my progress so far, even without formal training or induction im hitting the ground running. That was a good chance to have a private chat.

I told her what had happened and that I was keen to not let my work be effected, and that I’m conscious I’m in my probation. She was glad I told her, and was fine with me going to the doctor today and not to come back this afternoon, and that they would let me get the therapy needed too. She said that I’m the most important thing and to get my family back, and that she’s suffered with similar stresses due to being overworked, and family life.

She recommended a book to me too, the chimp paradox, which I’m going to pick up from Waterstones today.
I also picked up another anxiety self help book to read. These books will help me this weekend and give me something to do whilst trying to improve.

I’m going to do everything I can to get my family and future back. It’s like a lightning bolt has hit me and I suddenly see.

[MrKirov]

Im so annoyed with myself. It's like ive gained so much perspective of how stupid my actions were and the effect I was having on her.

For instance- the heating.

We moved from a new build that was always 23 degrees or above, and heating needed to be on for like 10 minutes and the house would be warm.
This new house is older, and much bigger, with an older boiler. And I discovered we had a smart meter. This was bad. I could see how much we were using, and I was measuring it and checking it all the time. I was looking at the temperature on the thermostat all the time. Asking her if she was cold, asking her what the temperature was when she got in from work, measuring how much the heating was on for, and the temperature difference. I even got all the radiators replaced in the house for £1.5 k to make it better. Then I was always checking it. Asking her what it was when she got up, and what temp it was when she got in- talking about the heating and the cost and how much it was expected to cost us- grinding her down about something so silly.

But at the time I was so focused on it- made it such a big issue. I mean FFS, i moved to a 60's four bedroom house with two living rooms, a dining room and four bedrooms- of course it will cost more. So I spent £3-40 more a month- who cares as long as we are happy??!!

Found lots of extra work we had to do like rewires and stuff, it triggered me thinking "right- we cant be happy until thats done" but then that thing gets done, and I move to the next thing. I wasnt solving the root cause- me and my thinking. I never saw it, but I do now.

It should have been happy, so there were issues- we would get them fixed in time and build our future- but I was so fixated on stuff and I had no outlet but her so I kept talking to her about all this stuff, grinding her down. Shes a strong woman but I ground her down because of this constant barrage alongside my mood swings/anxiety attacks.

What the hell have I been doing??

I know full well I lost sight of our immediate happiness, goign out, doing things, enjoying life- because I was so concerned about getting everything done so we could "be happy". I could have been happy then- it was just about my mindset.

We had to move from out old house under unhappy circumstances, we both liked the house but had to go. I wanted her to not go without all the modcons and happinesses she had before so became so razor focused on it, I couldn't see the wood through the trees. Where she actually wouldn't have been unhappy if I didn't do it. I kept being overly negative about the house, and was making her undecided about whether she liked it anymore, because my barrages were so constant. I kept saying I would be better off alone and hurting myself and stuff. Just grinding her down from every angle.

I get why she left. I cant be angry, I pushed her away.

I genuinely had an epiphany about it, and I just hope its not too late.

[Dogg Thang]

I genuinely had an epiphany about it

Yep, and the way you're describing feels very real. It reads as accurate even without knowing you. So I'm guessing you're spot on about all those things. But you're seeing it for what it is now and you're doing stuff about it. And you have to acknowledge that, even though this anxiety is a part of you and you might always have to manage it in one way or another, it isn't ACTUALLY you. It's not the sum total of your being. You without anxiety or you managing your anxiety would not have done these same things. Thinking otherwise would be like beating yourself up over not being at your best when you come down with a flu. I guess in a way what I'm trying to do is to make clear the separation between blame and responsibility. You are not to blame. But you are now taking on responsibility for dealing with that which was to blame. The epiphanies are important and they're really good - the fact that you can see these actions for what they are and what effect they would have had is brilliant. See those things and take them on board but don't torment yourself with them. Don't let them feed the anxiety.

What you're seeing clearly now is a place you don't want to be again. A place you didn't see properly when you were right in it. But you see it now. Like I said yesterday, not many people will be able to start that recovery journey so quickly and make so many positive leaps. I guess the one thing to watch out for is that, on some days, you might not feel the clarity of vision or the progress you're making now. That will happen and it doesn't mean you're going backwards. The curve upwards can be kind of jittery rather than a nice smooth curve.

But dude, you're doing great all things considered. Keep going.

[Cassius_Smoke]

She recommended a book to me too, the chimp paradox

Good Book. Everyone should give it a read.
I'd recommend also keeping a diary or there is a good app for for keeping track of your moods over a period of time. Its helped me begin to notice triggers for anxiety that might have happened days ago. The App is called Daylio.
Its all small steps.

[MrKirov]

I just bought it, alongside “The Anxiety Cure” which apparently has self help techniques etc to teach yourself. These will help this weekend, at least I’ll be learning and improving rather than moping.

I’ve got a doctors appointment at 13.40. I’m going to accept medication (this was a big thing for me, my mums historic mess did bad things to her, and the month I was on them, I didn’t feel... right). But I’m going to jump in two feet first and go for it, it I’ll also push for talking therapy to help with my triggers and anger. I’ll look to do this alongside my CBT I’m waiting for.

My brother in law has invited me to go to Denny’s in Swansea with him and my nephew (mini me lol) on the weekend. I don’t want to drag things down, but I’ll consder it seriously at least.

I just want to be a better man again, and get my girls back. It’s for me first, it has to be, but to me we are all one and the same.

Why didn’t I

[MrKirov]

I’m sat in the doctors office. I’ve read about 13 pages of The Anxiety Cure book, it’s interesting. Talking about how your brain automates itself, and how the longer you spend fearing fear, the more normal your brain perceives it and does it without thinking. It claims to have lots of techniques to identify and rewire your brain to solicite positivity as standard rather than negativity.

[MrKirov]

Okay, doctors done.

50mg Sertraline. Have to return after 2 weeks to check about side effects. They won’t kick in mostly for 4-6 weeks. I have to be on them for 6 months in order to avoid relapse.

I asked about therapies and they could offer nothing, you have to instigate it all yourself- no wonder mental health is an issue for lots as they really can only prescribe. You’ve managed to accept you need help, and there’s further barriers there- it’s crazy.

Anyway, there’s that done. I’m going to try and improve myself in the waiting time.

I’ve decided to try and be nice to myself tonight. I’m sat in McDonald’s having something bad, and I’m going. To go into the Asda next door and buy a pizza and some treats for the house. Importantly, no alcohol. I’m done with the stuff- last week I proved I can’t do it while I’m like I am.

Going to try and be nice to myself tonight, and maybe try and reads some of the books and play a few games if I can. It’s no substitute for my girls, but I’m going to try and stay positive and have some time outside of my own head.

[Dogg Thang]

I’ve decided to try and be nice to myself tonight. I’m sat in McDonald’s having something bad, and I’m going. To go into the Asda next door and buy a pizza and some treats for the house. Importantly, no alcohol. I’m done with the stuff- last week I proved I can’t do it while I’m like I am.

Going to try and be nice to myself tonight, and maybe try and reads some of the books and play a few games if I can. It’s no substitute for my girls, but I’m going to try and stay positive and have some time outside of my own head.

This all sounds good. It's a shame they couldn't offer anything beyond the medication so you should try to look into that yourself and see what's around. Or have someone look around for you.

[EvilBoris]

I was really reluctant with medication as a teenager and it took me like a decade before it got super bad after my dad died and kinda understood I needed the help.
It’s really common, but the doctor basically described that my body was low on seratonin which keeps you feeling good and wakes you up.
Either feeling stressed was causing me to burn through it quicker leaving me feeling depressed and make it even harder to wake up in the morning.
Or that my receptors were actually Resistant to the hormone.
That kind of helped me to rationalise it and why actaully I needed some help.

One word of advice and something I hear from other people, keep taking them. I’m super guilty of this, don’t stop taking them because you feel better, you might slide down without realising it until you are back to square one.

I now have a better understanding of how I start to feel when I fall of the wagon, I start staying up really late, I get wound up and emotional about things that otherwise wouldn’t be a problem.
Hopefully with time you’ll feel better and you will better recognise just how he way you get before was not actually normal for you.
If you ever need to talk, you know where you can find me

[Dogg Thang]

I now have a better understanding of how I start to feel when I fall of the wagon

EvilBoris' post is great. Really good advice in here. And yeah, this part is so true and it's how, later, you'll be so much better at managing it because you start to see it before it happens. You get to know the signs and can recognise them for what they are. As for medication, I didn't like the idea of being medicated. And I don't think it was a cure-all. But it was essential and it gave me the strength to work on the other stuff. For me, it was like I was hanging on to a cliff face and my fingers were slipping and I couldn't find the hand holds. The medication was like someone grabbing my arm and holding tight. They didn't pull me up but they gave me that safety that I could let go with the other hand and get some strength back into it and then take time to find the hand holds without being blinded by panic. With the help of others, I pulled myself up. The medication bought me the time to do that.

That might be a weird analogy.

Anyway, point is that EvilBoris' post is great and even if you don't think you need the meds any more, stay on them longer. I was medicated for maybe a year or two the first time. I don't really remember but I was a long time better before I risked going off them and, with my doctor, we lowered the dosage slowly. My second bad bout was different because I could see it coming. I had a name for it and knew what I was dealing with. So I was already going in stronger but I went straight to the doc to get back on the meds so I could have that helping hand to get out of it.

Another note - I don't know about anxiety meds exactly but, with my meds, there was a bit of messing about trying to find the right dosage. Some even have to try different meds. That seems to be normal and it's part of the process.

[charlesr]

Caffeine and alcohol set me off, especially when combined. Definitely a good idea to avoid. I've been recommended the Chimp Paradox too. She explained the general concept. Made perfect sense. Just putting it into action.

[MrKirov]

The Anxiety Cure is making a lot of sense to me. Really easily written and easy to understand so far.

[Cassius_Smoke]

I love a good self help book. I usually write notes to review later as a refresher.
Reddit had a good self improvement sub.
Some useful links and info on it.
On a slightly different subject I found a fantastic body language book through it which just changed me completely.